On G-d


1st, you have to acknowledge that G-d exists. Other wise this is all pointless.
G-d is said to have the following attributes:

1. G-d Is Infinite – They are Self-Existing, They have always existed.
2. G-d Is Immutable – They Never Change
3. G-d Is Self-Sufficient – They Have No Needs
4. G-d is Omnipotent – They are All Powerful
5. G-d Is Omniscient – They know all that is knowable
6. G-d Is Omnipresent – They are Everywhere
7. G-d Is Wise – They are Full of Perfect, Unchanging Wisdom
8. G-d Is Faithful – They are Infinitely, Unchangingly True
9. G-d Is Good – They are Infinitely, Unchangingly Kind and Full of Good Will
10. G-d Is Just – They are Infinitely, Unchangeably Right and Perfect in All They Do
11. G-d Is Merciful – They are Infinitely, Unchangeably Compassionate and Kind
12. G-d Is Gracious – G-d Is Infinitely Inclined to Spare the Guilty
13. G-d Is Loving – G-d Infinitely, Unchangingly Loves All Beings
14. G-d Is Holy – They are Infinitely, Unchangingly Perfect
15. G-d Is Glorious – They are Infinitely Beautiful and Great

What do these attributes suggest then, about the nature of G-d?
Starting with number 4:
5. G-d knows everything that is knowable. This is also true of mankind, collectively, and this is becoming more true as each day passes.
6. G-d is everywhere. So is mankind.

The fact is that all of the attributes here stated concerning G-d are also true of mankind. What then can we conclude from this?


Not just us: Nature, the Universe(s), all matter and all energy are G-d.

Examine this conversation:

Q: “Rabbi, what happens when we die?”
A: “The drop becomes the ocean.”
Q: “Then, what happens when we are born?”
A: “The ocean becomes a drop.”

If you go to the ocean, and fill an eye dropper with water from the ocean, that dropper contains all of the essence of the ocean.

When a human being is born from a mothers womb, that being takes his first breath, and with that breath, he receives a soul.

There is only one soul. That one soul is shared by all living beings.

That one soul is called G-d; or the Atman, or Be’al, or Brahma, or any other of the billion (or more) names we have for deity. That soul is your innermost being. It is your true self.

Along with the one soul, you also have an ego. This is what usually asserts itself as your body grows into adulthood. If left unchecked, it can dominate you and supplant your real self. In fact, with many people it does.

There is a television series that illustrates this very succinctly. It’s a New Zealand series called The Almighty Johnsons. The premise of the story is that each member of the Johnson family, on the occasion of their 21st birthday, becomes the living, breathing incarnation of one of the Norse G-ds. It’s like they take on another entity which shares their lives. Some of the interaction between the two is quite illustrative, I think, of our own lifelong co-habitation with Elohim.

There is a Native American story about two wolves.

A Cherokee chief spoke to his grandson: A fight is going on inside me,” he said to the boy. “It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves. One is evil – he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.”
He continued, “The other is good – he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. The same fight is going on inside you – and inside every other person, too.”
The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, “Which wolf will win?”
The old Cherokee simply replied, “The one you feed.”

Between the worlds, during that time when you are absorbed by what I call the “G-d Collective,” or the “Great Link,” you are one with G-d, which is to say you are one with all beings from all time and all space. You share all their thoughts. You are of one mind. But ever so often you have to take a corporeal body. In a sense you separate from G-d at this point, but in reality that is an illusion. You can never be separated from G-d, you can only think you are.

(Note: There are many false prophets in this world. They will lie to you and tell you that you are separated from G-d, that you are not worthy of G-d. But this is a lie, and it is blasphemy. You can never be separated from G-d, because YOU ARE G-D.)

When you sleep, or when you are unconscious, you are in fact one with the Great Link. You are participating in the creation and maintenance of new worlds, new universes. As I just stated, this happens when you are asleep or unconscious, but it is especially true between the worlds, when you are not residing in a corporeal body.

What then is the purpose of life? True happiness is the realization that you, and all other living beings, are G-d. Once you grok that realization, you will begin to treat all other beings like G-d. You will give them the respect and love that G-d is due, and they in turn will do the same for you.

Shri Baba Ram Stephen (aka, Guru Stephan Gabriel) believes that if just ten percent of the Earths human population were to embrace this concept, we would have peace on Earth. We would eradicate poverty, illiteracy, disease, war, and usher in the promised Age of Aquarius.


My T-Mobile night mare


I’m 70 (almost).  Anytime I see a chance to save some money on monthly expenses I jump on it. Sometimes I jump too fast, and neglect to read the *fine print. This is just such a case.

Near the end of April I received  what I perceived to be a sweet heart deal.  AAA (which I have been a member of for about twenty years) sent out a flyer for people over the age of 55.  They have teamed up with T-Mobile, and if I switched from my current cell carrier to T-Mobile they would give me a load of perks:

  1. $27.50 / month (+ tax and fees) for each line, which is about what I was paying anyway.
  2. $100 in gift cards ($50 per line) just for doing the deed.
  3. They would pay my AAA membership every year (That’s worth $66 / year as it stands).
  4. (This was the straw that broke the camels back — that made me want to do this) They would pay off what I owed on our two phones, up to $800. This would reduce my cell phone bill by $56 / month.

Great! Let’s do this!  I drive down to the local T-Mobile store and talked to some really nice sales people.  Of course, the first one tried to upsell me. This was to be expected, that is what sales people are trained to do.  I left and came back a day or so later. I needed to procure the payoff from my current cell provider and needed that in writing. So I brought back this print out that had the cellular providers name and logo prominently displayed (This fact is important).  I also procured the port over pins for our two lines.

My sales guy, after I told him not to try to upsell me, attempted, and succeeded in getting me hooked up.  His manager came and helped him over some rough spots, all was well.  The manager was the one who clued my in as where on the web I could find the $50/line rebate and the pay-off the phones rebate.  My wife and I were assigned place holder numbers to use until our old numbers were ported over. A few days later I brought both phones in, and the porting process was started for both lines. All was well.

That evening, my wife’s number was ported successfully. But mine was not.  I waited a day or so, and then I noticed that on T-Mobiles website it showed that both numbers had been ported successfully, except this wasn’t true, I was still using the place holder number.

In the meantime, I went to the appropriate place on T-Mobile’s website to get the rebates.  The two $50 rebates were a snap and those will be sent to me in about two weeks.

The $800 phone payoff was another story.  It seems that my former provider was not on the special list of providers T-Mobile will pay off.  It happens that I just don’t have a spare $800 floating around.  I found this out at the website of course, but when I looked at the original flyer with the offer, the fine print mentioned which companies T-Mobile would pay. *I just hadn’t read that.  The question is:  why didn’t the T-Mobile manager at our local store know this? She saw my print out with the balance. She saw who it was from. Why didn’t she mention this? The other thing is that I probably could have made a big stink about the manager not informing me about the payout situation. Maybe I could have received it anyway. But I am also afraid someone would get fired. I don’t want that Karma.

So, at this point I will have to go back to the original provider, hat in hand, and beg them to let me come back; to reinstate me; to let me have my old payment plan back.  Well, lucky for me they were willing to take me back and all is forgiven.  So now I need new SIM cards for both phones, and I need port pins for both phone numbers (including the one which did not successfully port), so that my new/old provider can completely restore my service.

We tried three times to successfully port my old number into T-Mobile. I was thinking maybe that was why T-Mobile’s system wouldn’t generate a port pin for that number. Funny thing is T-Mobile’s web site still shows it as the active number for that account, even though it is not.

On Monday (tomorrow) I will go to the T-Mobile store to try and procure the port pins.  This is what customer service told me to do. I guess it’s because the new service is less than a month old. It’s some kind of security thing (isn’t it always?).  In the meantime, new SIMs are supposed to arrive by mail on Wednesday (Friday at the latest).  With those two provisions fulfilled, all should be well again.

Or not.

Waiting is.


Why do I believe in Reincarnation?


First, there is Science.  The law of conservation of energy states that energy can neither be created nor destroyed – only converted from one form of energy to another. This means that a system always has the same amount of energy, unless it’s added from the outside.

Your Soul. the part of you that is you, also called the self (and which in fact is G-d)  is energy.  When we are not dwelling in a human body, we exist as energy, which is eternal.

That’s the first reason. The second:

Past life experiences.  Lots of them.  The three that stand out for me the most are:

  • When I was ten my grade school class took a field trip to the Field Museum of Natural History in Chicago.  We were vising the Egyptian room, and I was reading a plaque in front of a mummy.  The mummy was the preserved remains of a boy who had lived in Cairo.  A thought popped up in my head, “I knew this kid.”
  • I was a Realtor for a time when I was still living in Kankakee IL.  I was looking for a house for my own family, and this place popped up on the MLS.  The house is on S Chicago Ave.  It’s an Eastlake home. Eastlake was a contemporary of  Frank Lloyd Wright who took Victorian homes and gave them oriental lines, giving the homes some characteristics of pagodas.

I got the key and took a self-tour through the place.  That was easy, because somehow I knew the layout. It was like I had been there before.

I bought it. Moved my family in and that was that.  The house had six bedrooms, one of which had originally been a Maid’s room, and was at then end of the second story hallway, behind a door blocking the hallway.  Adjacent to the room was a back stairway to the kitchen.  Also on the 2nd floor, a full and a half-bath.  First floor had a small library (with a fireplace), a living room, a formal dining room and kitchen.  There was a lot of woodwork in the style of the time. The basement was finished and had an outside entrance.  The third floor was mostly used as an attic but at one time had been finished as a ball room.

In researching the house I learned that it was built by a Kankakee dry goods merchant. circa 1914.  Had I been him?  Why did I instinctively know the layout of this house?

  • In 1997 the movie Titanic premiered. My partner of the time and my step daughter went ot see it at 41st Avenue Theatre in Capitola.  It was a good movie. The writing was very good as were the performances by the actors.

But I didn’t stay through it.  When the ship’s stern turned straight up into the air, I left the theatre, returned to the car, and trembled for a good fifteen minutes.  I had a deja vu moment:  I saw myself as a young boy, maybe four or five. I was laying in bed. My mother sat in a chair beside me. Water was coming into our room from under the door. We were below decks. Trapped.

I have since tried to sit all the way through that movie. I have yet to succeed.

  • I used to have a recurring dream:  I am walking hand in hand hand with a woman beside a body of water.  It’s near sundown. I never saw her face.   I had this dream continuously, a minimum of three times a week, beginning when I was nine of ten.  In the beginning the woman was a young girl.  As I got older, she grew with me so she was always around my same age.  As I learned more about geography in school, the places the dream occurred in began to become recognizable.  Along the river Seine in Paris. By Lake Michigan.  On an island in the South Pacific. A few times, and this occurred before the debut of the first Star Wars movie, we were walking by some water, but their were two suns setting. That by the way is why Star Wars means a lot to me.

In May of 1999, I was living in Ashland OR.  Ceridwen came up from Santa Cruz to visit me and meet me for the first time.  We had had about a six month relationship by phone prior to this, but it was time to physically meet.  She was with me for a week, then she went back to Santa Cruz, got her ducks in a row, and moved it with me. We’ve been together ever since.

Now, here’s the thing. Remember I mentioned that the dream with the body of water and the woman and the sunset recurred for me at least three times a week since I was age nine?  During the week Ceridwen visited the dream did not occur. Not that I actually noticed, because I had a lot on my mind.  The dream did not recur. The dream never recurred, not ever, again.

So, from say, November of 1962 until April of 1999 I continuously  experienced this dream. That is almost thirty-seven years of my life.  The suddenly, a woman comes into my wife (the third of three wives) and the dream stops. Just like that. Cold turkey.

How do you explain that?

Republitarian hipocrisy, mean spiritness and an ultra-orthodox fundamentalist Jew


MAGA Conservatives are mean spirited hipocrites.  I am talking about the way they behave towards their fellow human beings. The big issue here though, is the hipocrisy.

Republitarians (Republican-Libertarian) are currently legislating some of the most restrictive laws ever against Abortion. They say it’s to save babies. Ok, let’s say that that is true. They have also voted against regulations to ban assault weapons, or to keep assault weapons out of the hands of mentally ill people.

The year 2023 is only three point five months old, and there have already been 146 mass shootings in the United States. 11,500 people have died as the result of a mass shooting this year. Of those, 398 were adolescents and 71 were children.  GOP House and Senate members have voted against any kind of gun regulation across the board, yet they say they want to save children.

This makes their “pro-life” stand an outright lie. They’re not pro-life. What they are is misogynistic.  They don’t care about saving babies, they want to control women.

That’s the goal.

Outlawing abortion is step one.  Next will be to outlaw birth control. What’s after that? Well, these folks are allegedly Xtians.  So we can envision some kind of a Xtian version of Sharia Law. Maybe full on Burkas will be required. In fifty years, Maybe women and girls will no longer be allowed to get any kind of education. Girls will be brought up to be breed cows and sexual servants.

I joined a group recently that shows the scriptural errors of Christianity, and in particular “Messianic (NOT) Jews.”  I was once one of those, from the age of 18 until about 28.  My Saturn return hit me at that time, and I realized that there was something very wrong with Jesus, but that is for another post.

The name of the group is Debunking the Christian Eisegesis and what I saw there was a very good arguement against Christianity, and especially the “Biblical” support for it.  I took things slightly off topic, and paid for my mistake.

A fellow, speaking about the “scriptural support” Christians claim about Jesus being the Meshiach, asked: “Why must they lie?”  I made the mistake of answering it with “It’s the same reason Donald Trump lies. It’s because they know they can get away with it.”  And that opened up a whole can of worms.  This group is full of Republicans.  Ultra Orthodox Fundamentalist Jewish Republicans, who nonetheless support G-d-less, anti-Semtic Donald Trump. It’s incredibly mind boggeling.  But, also my own fault. I tend to speak from my heart.

The first response came from Tzion Josiah ari Barlev: we got a anti Trumper uhhhh ohhhh”

Khalil Rashad chimed in with “Anti-Trumpers are STILL error minded!”

I responded:
Khalil Rashad: To be anti-Trump is to be pro-Israel, pro- democracy and pro-human. Trump is authoritarian, anti-Semitic, misogynistic, and a white supremacist. In fact he only got two things right while he was POTUS: moving our embassy to Jerusalem and affirming Israeli sovereignty over the Golan Heights. He did nothing for America. As much as I favor his acts toward Israel, I don’t live in Israel.

Next came Tzion Josiah Ari Barlev  who posted:
“Tell me you aren’t orthodox without telling me you support Ukraine the biggest Nazi fortress the world has seen since Hitler.”

My response:
I am not Orthodox. I don’t think I’m even religious. I do not support Ukraine, for exactly the reasons you have, but I don’t know what else can be done when an enemy of humanity, Putin, is doing his best to establish autocracy as a global norm. As far as Moshiach is concerned, I am one who believes that the establishment of the State of Israel, and especially the outcome of the Six Day War, may have fulfilled the requirements for Moshiach.

Tzion Josiah Ari Barlev  didn’t really address any issue in my resonse. Instead he responded:
“You are absolutely foolish.”

“A Jew can’t support socialism because it’s a system of theft. They can’t support the abortion laws of the democrats it’s murder. They can’t support removal of weapons from citizens because it’s unjust and against Torah as weapons only go away when Moshiach comes.”

You absolutely are a fool.”

“Saying Trump didn’t nothing for America is the most ignorant uninformed comment ever.”

Maybe i should have responded with something like “you obviously know nothing about socialism.”

But my response was:
So, I guess the early founders of the State of Israel, the kibbutzniks, weren’t really Jews then? They were mostly Socialists. Some were Communists. As were Ben Gurion, Sharett, Eshkol, Meir, Rabin . . . Nice the way you want to rewrite history. Kinda like the BDS liars.

Josiah didn’t have a response for that. But he did go on to say:
Ellis Arseneau you are beyond ignorant if you think a religious Jew would side with Biden and the democrats socialism and stealing? I don’t even know a Rabbi who is a democrat.”

I didn’t say “What part of my statement: I am not Orthodox. I don’t think I’m even religious,” did you not understand?” Instead,  I responded:
Tzion Josiah Ari Barlev Mine is. I would venture to say that the entire congregation of Temple Beth El (Eureka CA) belongs to the Democratic Party. We are Progressive Zionists.

Then Tzion Josiah posted a whole bunch of screen shots from my Facebook news feed, and then posted:

Ellis Arseneauyes I can see you are progressive. Which is the opposite of Religious Jew.”

Ellis Arseneauyou are not religious whatsoever. You don’t speak for Torah. I saw your profile. Enough said it’s full of vile things and evil.”

Ellis Arseneauyou have mountains of slander against President Trump on your wall and supporting Socialist Bernie the *Karet.”

“Dude your never gonna be able to atone for all that. Not in this life.”

My response: Uhm, didn’t I already say I’m not religious? That said, why then would I speak for the Torah?

SLANDER AGAINST TRUMP?  Eveything I’ve posted about Trump is a matter of public record. It’s on videotape. The whole world has seen it.

Trump is a pathological liar, an adulterer, a misogynist, a thief, and if not an anti-Semite or a white supremacist, he is at very least the darling of those two groups. Hashem vomits Trump from His mouth. Hashem has no tolerance for liars and hypocrites. I may not be religious, but I do know the truth. You sir, have a strange way of turning Torah on it’s ear.

Tzion Josiah Ari Barlev
“You are sick in the head.”

My response:
Tzion Josiah Ari Barlev Yes, I am a horrible heretic. Here’s my take on the State of Israel. I’m sure you’ll think it’s all wrong. No worries. Progressives hate me too. https://el.avalonrisen.com/about-israel/


Tzion Josiah Ari Barlev And you are really, really, really going to love this (which, I am very proud of) https://el.avalonrisen.com/…/04/13/a-pantheistic-shema/

His response, where he really degenerates to the level of a kindergartener: Ellis Arseneauthis you? Haha”

My Response:
Thank you Tzion, for sharing your true self. Very mature of you. You know, I joined this group because I once fell for the whole Messianic Mishigas. I was 18, recovering from a breakup and very vulnerable. At the time my spiritual education was in flux I guess. Anyway, I feel like I am still a recovering messy, so I joined this group because your goal, disproving Xtianity, spoke to me. One mention of my disliking Mr. Trump and suddenly I became an outcast, a pariah, bombarded by all sorts of things that have diddly squat to do with the alleged subject matter of the group. How did your heart become so full of hate? It boggles my mind. I’m going on 70 years old. I am reevaluating my place among the people of Israel. One of my best friends is a Chabad Rabbi, and he has helped me a lot. He has love. Pure love from and for Hashem. If I did not know Rabbi Shumer, and you had been my first exposure to my reuniting with Judaism, I would have rejected it outright. You need to learn to love.

He responded:
Ellis Arseneauit is very mature.”

“To obey Torah and follow the rules. Thank you for knowing the laws of zealousness and defending Torah.”

“One day you should gather your Karet synagogue and teach them of the Elijah story of the pagan fire of the pyre challenge.”

“I’m sure you’ll find somewhere in the story a pagan screaming “Elijah is immature Ana bully.”

“Imagine being so far from Torah you complain when someone else follows it and scolds and rebuked you.”

My response:
Tzion Josiah Ari Barlev Donald Trump has committed more crimes against Hashem and the Torah than I could even dream of, yet you laud him as some pillar of righteousness, perhaps a prophet of Hashem. Trump commits his attrocities against G-d in front of cameras for all to see. That kind of makes you a brazen hypocrite.


This is where it all ended. I quit the group.  This guy Tzion is the typical Ultra-Orthodox (Fundamentalist) Jew who spends their time studying Torah,  the Mishnah, Talmud, and the rest of the Tenach. There is really nothing wrong in that, except it makes them  very, very self righteous and judgmental.  Oddly, they do not believe that the State of Israel should exist (this might be why in the above conversation, Tzion didn’t respond to any of my reflections on Israel). The more radical types even go so far as to publically support the Palestinian lie. I wonder if Tzion is one of those?

In Israel these guys don’t work, they don’t serve in the IDF. They just mooch off the state, and make their wives get jobs to support them. The opinion of the average Israeli is that these guys are utterly useless.




*Karet (pronounced KAH-rate), also known as excision, is a biblical punishment imposed for a number of offenses, including sexual immorality, eating leavened products on Passover, performing work on the Sabbath and failing to circumcise males. The word itself comes from the root meaning “cut off,” but the particulars of what this punishment entails are not specified in the Torah and are subject to debate.


A pantheistic Shema


שמע ישראל, האדון הוא אלוהינו, האדון הוא אחד, האדון הוא אנחנו, האדון הוא הכל..

Hear O Israel, the Lord your G-d, the Lord is ONE, the Lord is US, the Lord is ALL.

So, what does this mean?  It is a declaration.  It states that G-d exists, that there is only one G-d, that we are G-d (Thou art G-d), that G-d is everything, that G-d is all that exists.


An open letter to Walgreen’s Pharmacy


Note: This letter was sent to the Eureka CA store on Broadway:

To the Store Manager and Chief Pharmacist:

Ceridwen and I have been customers of Walgreens for over five years. Mostly it was because our former Part D insurance provider, United Health Care, required us to use Walgreens.

Last year Karyn’s Part D insurance changed to a different company and no longer requires us to use your pharmacy. Likewise, this year my Part D insurance changed.  Regardless, we had intended to stay with you, since it is just more convenient and we were already established with you.

That changed when your parent company, Walgreens Boot Alliance, decided to deny women in twenty US States their Constitutional right, indeed, a moral right, to the drug mifepristone. All because pressure was applied by right wing, Christian Nationalist attorneys threatened legal action against Walgreens.

This is a WRONGNESS.  This goes against everything our Constitution and the entire concept of Democracy stand for.  It is un American, religious discrimination.  These people want to turn America into a religious dictatorship (think The Handmaids Tale, or Robert Heinlein’s short story, If This Goes On). They want to impose on all American’s, Christian or not, a kind of Christian Sharia Law, that will eventually deny women, people of color, LGBTQ, Indigenous Americans and basically anyone they dislike, any and all rights currently guaranteed under the Bill of Rights.

First it was Republican dominated States restricting abortion. Then the Supreme Court overturned Roe v Wade.  Walgreens has joined them in these heinous restrictions.  Birth control, in any form, with be next. In the end, women will be barefoot, pregnant, denied education, and forced to wear Burkas. The ones who refuse will be tried as witches and burned at the stake.

We can’t take you to court, so we are no longer doing business with you.  We cannot tolerate a company that is acting to destroy the America my father (a WW II vet) fought against fascism to preserve.

Feel free to forward this letter to your corporate masters.

Another “Friend”


I did it again. Accepted another friend request from someone who has few friends, and only one in common with me.  But she was a young asian woman (assuming there was any truth at all to her profile).  i am a sucker for asian women.  So, this time my fault.  She did the same as the last one did: sent me a “hello” message on Messanger.  This one was different though. Sex or sexuality never came up. The daily conversations were addicting, in that she was compassionate towards me, and seemed to take a sincere interest in me.

The first clue that something was amiss was when I asked for her astrological data.  She knew her sun sign, everyone does, but she didn’t know her ascendant or moon sign.  So I offered to find out for her. I told her I needed her birth date, birth time and birth place.  Well she didn’t know the time, so I asked her ab out her birth certficate. She’s claimed to be from the PRC, and that China does not record such data to the birth certificate.  Of course, being a Scorpio I had to check that out. Well, turns out that was a lie. The Peoples Republic of China does record the time and place of birth on their birth certificates. She would have known that.  Why lie?  Because ascendants reveal the “real you.” She didn’t want me to know that.

Gradually the conversation drifted into an area I really care nothing about:finances. Eventually she began extolling the virtues of investing in cryptocurrencies, and then I realized that that was her game,  A scam to be sure.

In the meantime two banks, Silicon Valley Bank in San Jose CA, and Signature Bank in NYC both failed. The faliure of both banks was creditied to their heavy investments in  CRYPTO CURRENCY.  The same thing that miss scammer was trying to get me to invest in.

I’m thinking she wasn’t a she at all. Some fat white kid laying on a hide-a-bed in his mother’s basement. It was all so stupid, and she was very convincing. Almost.

My new “friend,” Michelle Dylan

This is a Facebook story.

A person named Michelle Dylan (I now doubt that is her real name) asked me to be her friend on Facebook.  She only had one common friend with me (a fellow Druid), so that should have been a red flag. Other red flags are: she had very few other friends. She offered absolutely no other information about herself.  But, I friended her anyway. I like to opportunity to share the good news of pantheism to new audiences. And, well, her picture showed her to be pretty and very well endowed. Hard for a guy like me (Pagan, Scorpio etc.) to pass on a nice pair of breasts.  Here is her pic:


So, she messages me. It goes like this:




Now, this should have been a red flag, “are you alone right now?” Definitely a red flag. Which I ignored.

Ok, “do you want to see my tits?” is yet another red flag. Maybe she’s an exhibitionist?

Of course I did not. She could see my face, but that is all. It is here things turn to the dark side.

The spaces you see above had pictures of someone’s penis. Not mine, but someone’s. They all look alike anyway. She probably has pulled this stunt off dozens of times, so she probably has quite the collection. She could have at least picked one better endowed.

I just stopped engaging with her at this point. I was in shock I guess. Someone posts fake pics of me? WTF!?

It was at this point that I blocked her on Messenger, then on Facebook, and sent out a warning message to everyone in the chat group she created warning them not to allow her in. What a crazy fraking bitch!

So, there you have it. I’ve reported her to Facebook, to my friends and family and anyone reading this blog.

The moral to this story?



A little excursion down the rabbit hole of self pity. Maybe.



I never knew my paternal grandfather and grandmother. 

I knew they existed of course, but I don’t remember ever attending a Thanksgiving or Christmas gathering where they were present.  Was I therefore deprived in some way?  I guess I will never know.  I suppose it is possible that I suffer some kind of psychological damage from not knowing them. I just don’t know.

Have you ever been “shunned?”  Shunning is the practice, particularly among the Amish people, of the social isolation of someone, usually a family member, for something disagreeable that they did or sometimes just because they believe something different from the rest of the group.

My father shunned my grandfather (his father) and my uncle.

Around the time when I was six or seven, my fathers alcoholism got the best of him and he lost the family farm.  I don’t remember a lot of details about this. I have been told that my Dad, one of his brothers and my grandfather were running a Kosher cattle raising and butchering operation, supplying meat to the Jewish community in Chicago (just sixty miles away).

Dad was the book keeper, and apparently he allowed his alcoholism to intervene with the family business.  Like I mentioned, I was maybe seven when this all came down, so I don’t remember many details.

An intervention happened,  involving my father, uncle and grandfather. Soon after my family was packing up and moving up to the Woodstock area of Northern Illinois.

That was the last I ever saw of my Grandfather or my uncle.  Well, until their funerals.  Actually there was another time. During the summer of my, I think, twelfth year, my father was at work and my mother received a call from my Grandfather: “Hey, how have you been?  Say, would Ellis like to make some money? Could you drive him over to my house so he could mow my lawn?”  My mom agreed and off I went to my Grandfathers house. I mowed his lawn, he paid me, and then made some hot dogs for me.

That never  happened again. My Dad was furious. A huge bi-lingual fight ensued (my Father in French. My Mother in Yiddish).  The next time I saw my Grandfather was in March 0f 1972. He was in a coffin.

So, I never really got to know my paternal Grandfather.  Dad had instituted a “shunning.” That was that. My needs were never considered.

Have you everheard the expresssion, “This has happened before and it will happen again”? Well, I have been shunned.

Beginning in the spring of 1992, I was shunned by my former wife. This took the form of a pact or promise that she imposed onto my sons.

I was married to Lynne on August 9th 1975.  Joshua, Jordan and Jesse were born in 1976 and 1981.  Lynne gradually became a raging Fundagelical, but I didn’t notice so much,  since I mostly worked graveyard shift at a local hospital.  I did take an active fatherly role with my sons, and became their Scoutmaster for a few years. Those were good times.

My Father died March 17th 1990.  My brother and I split his estate, and for the first time in my life I had a boatload of money.  Things with Lynne were getting more strained. I thought “space” would solve some problems, so I bought this really big house. A mansion really. Six bedrooms, three full baths, a half bath, a formal dining room, huge kitchen, sun porch, library, finished basement, etc. Two stair cases, one grand and formal, the other a servants stairwell, from the maids room (my den) to the kitchen.

She filled it with crap. Cardboard boxes full of clutter lined both staircases.  We had a third floor – an attic to store stuff – there was no excuse.  She ran a daycare out of the basement. Six or seven little kids whose parents paid “through the nose,” for day care.  Lynne didn’t drive so it was up to me to do all of the grocery shopping She would send me with a list of the cheapest crap she could cook in the microwave.

I stopped attending church around mid 1990, having come to the conclusion that they were all cults.  In 1991 I was fired from my position as Scoutmaster for Troop 313 (The People’s Church).  And, in order to punish the Scouts, the Troop was disbanded.  Later I found out that this had by instigated by Lynne.

In January of 1992 I left. An apartment in a building that I owned came empty, and I moved in.  The boys would visit once or twice a week. I think we had a good, but awkward, relationship.   I met someone on the Internet, and moved to Santa Cruz CA in May 0f 1992.

This is when my shunning began.  It wasn’t all inclusive. So long as I was the one reaching out, all was well. But apparently the twins and Josh were enjoined to not reach out to me.  So, they cannot travel out here to Northern California to visit me.  If I travel to Illinois, they may visit with me, but they can’t come visit me. This applies to all eight grand children as well. It was alright when I first moved here, and I was able to travel to Illinois a few times. But that didn’t last. Thanks to wife number two, I ended up in bankruptcy and my credit rating was trashed (she also committed identity theft on Joshua, using information she found in my personal records.   That  is what ended that relationship).  So travel to Illinois is practically impossible for me.

But they could come out to see me, right?  Well Josh and Aisha and their son Jalen did a few years back. But the twins haven’t tried.  Jordan has stated his desire to come see me, but if that happens, it will be after Joy (my youngest granddaughter) gets over her Leukemia. Jordan and family did come out to California this past summer.  Jordan works for WMAQ-TV (Channel 7 – Chicago).  WMAQ is an ABC owned station, and ABC is a subsidiary of Disney.  So their trip to California was to Anaheim – Disneyland; all expenses paid. So no time (or money) for a trip to the North Coast (a 12 hour drive).  Jordan enjoys a lot of Disney perks.  Jordan has also won eight Emmy Awards for videography and editing (Just FYI).  His twin brother, Jesse is also a videographer. Jesse owns a private video production studio. He is one of maybe six videographers on the continent that videos surgeries,  mostly for Northwestern University Medical Center/School in Chicago. I truly believe that Jesse does the more important work, but gets no recognition.

A couple years ago Jesse was doing some work up in Portland OR (about eight hours drive) but was too busy to travel down.  Jesse has never expressed an interest in visiting me or bringing his three girls out to meet me.  I know he can afford it. Even as I am typing this he and Lyndsay are visiting her best friend —in Paris France.

This is the third year in a row I have not spoken to any of them over the holidays.  I guess I expect them to call me. Joshua used to call me quite a bit, but not for some time. This year Jordan called me on my birthday. I really appreciated that. They have all called me when was in the hospital (2008, 2012, 2020).

I used to call them on the holidays.  You know, not one time did any of them say to their kids, “Hey, guys come talk do your grandfather on the phone.”   Not once.  And usually they talk about their work. I have to coax out news of their children.

Honestly? I don’t know if my grandchildren even know I exist.  Maybe I am dead?  I have a smallish  relationship with Jalen (Josh’s son) over Facebook (he is a very, very talented budding Rapper. I think he’s going to be very famous eventually).  None of the others is on Facebook (or perhaps they are not allowed). I wonder if they even have smart phones.

So, where am I at with all of this?  I am grieving.

 Let’s talk about the 7 stages of grief    (These are about grieving some one who has died.My situation is radically different, since a simple change would correct everything. But still…..):

  1. Shock 

“Feelings of shock are unavoidable in nearly every situation, even if we feel we have had time to prepare for the loss of a loved one. We know it’s going to happen, but not right then, not on that day. People in shock often appear to be behaving normally without a lot of emotion, because the news hasn’t fully sunk in yet.”

This is where I have been for at least the past thirty years. I just couldn’t believe that people who professed to be followers of Jesus could be so hateful and narrow.

  1. Denial

“Many people experience denial after a bereavement: they know something has happened but it doesn’t feel real.”

Actually, my experience has been a combination of shock and denial.  I refused to believe that someone I love could treat me with such distain.

  1. Anger

“It’s perfectly normal to feel anger in times of loss, but often people try to keep this stage of grief hidden.”

I’ve been taught all my life that anger leads to hate; that hate is a cancerous emotion (and perhaps can even cause cancer to manifest).  It’s part of the “dark side,” to be denied and avoided at all costs.

Except today, when I learned that Jesse is in France visiting “a friend.”  I was livid for a moment.  But I got over that.  I love my boys. They can do no wrong.   But –it does prove that he can afford to travel for pleasure.

  1. Bargaining 

The bargaining stage is about making promises to yourself or a higher being, asking the universe for a chance to put things right. A bereaved person may seek reason where there is none, and may feel guilty about how they behaved, or feel in some way to blame.”

“There’s a sense that, ‘Maybe I could have done things differently’,” says Nathan. “If only I’d stopped them leaving the house or I knew more about their medical condition, I could’ve intervened. We may feel helpless and hopeless, and consumed by thoughts of, ‘What if?’”

When I first landed in Santa Cruz, and for several years after, my plan was to go back to Illinois and collect my sons, and bring them back to California to live with me. The money for that (thanks to blood sucking wife number two) disappeared.  So did opportunites to visit in Illinois. I missed three High School Graduations. Three College Graduations.  Three Weddings (although Jordan did send an invite to his, after I badgered him about it, but, lack of money kept me away.  Actually I never learned of the other events until after they occurred. Lynne strikes again!)

Since then?  If not for Facebook, I would have missed eight births, and eight 1st days of school and one High School Graduation.

  1. Depression

“The jumble of emotions that usually accompanies the grieving process can typically lead to feelings of depression, isolation, anxiety and a feeling of dread. Sometimes the suffering seems too much to bear.”

Periodically I have boughts of feeling sorry for myself, of self-doubt. I think that I should never had left when I did. That I should have at least waited until the Twins had graduated from High School. That things turned out as they did because I wasn’t around to supervise and influence.  On the other hand, I needed to get as far away as humanly possible.  I knew Lynne would never forgive me, and Doreen was crazier than a road lizard. Of course, as it turned out, wife number two was even crazier.

  1. Acceptance and hope

“Humans, by nature, crave contact, connection and support, and at some stage in the grieving process will want to engage with friends and family again. Acceptance is about realising you can’t change the circumstances, but that you can gain some control over how you respond.”

This is sort of where I am headed.  I feel like I need to just accept the fact that I’m never going to have any kind of relationship with my grandchildren; that I am never going to meet most of them, or that they are never going to know that I existed.

I’m not there yet. I want to try sending them birthday presents. See if I get any kind of acknowledgment. Maybe a thank-you card. Maybe.

I thank the G-ds that I have a support group among the Kirtan community. People who love without limits or conditions. They just love.

“Love is the answer, love is the way. Sri Ram Jai Ram Jai Jai Ram.”

  1. Processing grief

There is no right or wrong way to grieve – the process is highly individual. In addition, there’s no quick fix; the healing process takes time and varies from person to person. Importantly, there is no “normal” timeframe, so be patient with yourself.

The following coping strategies have ben suggested:

  • Express your grief in words or another creative outlet, such as painting or drawing.
  • Connect with others – this can be loved ones or community support groups. (Thank you Skywater Kirtan Band!)
  • Ask for help, in whatever form.
  • Practise deep breathing regularly.
  • Set small, realistic goals.
  • Ensure you’re getting enough sleep and aim for some form of movement each day.
  • Eat a healthy, balanced diet and keep hydrated.
  • Rehearse how you respond to questions and new situatoons.

Good suggestions. For me. But what about my grandchildren? What about Cam, Ian, Joy, Mia, Poppy and Dorothy? What are they missing from not knowing me?  Of  course that assumes  that they even know I exist. Do I?


Here are my sons and their families. This is what I am being denied:

My three sons: Jesse Jonathan, Joshua Joel, Jordan Justin


Aisha and Joshua


Joshua’s son Jalen. Jalen is the only Grandchild I have met. He will be 23 this coming February 10th.


Jordan and family: From top row: Jordan and his son Cam (Cam will turn 16 on May 24),
Second Row: Nikki,
Third Row: Ian (He will turn 12 on July 16) and Joy  She will turn 6 this coming October 17)


Jesse’s Family:  Top Row:  Jesse, Lyndsay, Mia (Mia will turn 18 on August 22);
Bottom Row: Poppy (She will turn 12 on December 24) and Dorothy (She will turn 10 on April 26th).


How California discriminates against its Seniors (Yes, even Democratic Party seniors)



I wrote this email to Mike McGuire, my CA State Senator:

I am writing this to protest the discrimination against retired people exhibited by the California Legislature in the passage of this bill. Originally, Gov Newsome promised inflation relief for the owners of automobiles in response to the recent inflation of gasoline prices. Now, according to The Sacramento Bee of 9/23/2022, it seems my wife and I will get nothing.  Mr. McGuire why do you hate the elderly?

My wife and I are 69 years old.  We have lived in California for many years, in the Santa Cruz area since 1981, and in Eureka since 2004.

We both paid our  taxes, and for gasoline (incidentally, Humboldt County has the highest gas prices in the entire State, and has had them for well over 20 years).  We pay our automobile license fees every year ($211 in 2022).

I retired early when Gotshalks, my employer, went bankrupt in 2009. I had wrecked my back there (shleping Tempurpedic Mattresses out to customers vehicles) and qualified for disability. In 2015, when I turned 62, disability turned into regular Social Security. Between my wife and I we bring in a total of $2,349 each month – our sole income. Oh, I have a gig creating and maintaining a web site for an Actor friend done in Salinas, but that only increases our income by $50. We have in recent years filed income tax returns, but it is not taxable.

I and my wife are lifelong Democrats.  Neither of us has ever voted for a Republican, and you can be sure we both voted for you in the elections since we arrived in Eureka in 2004.

The Republitards here say we are getting screwed, That the Democrats don’t care about us. That we don’t contribute anything (taxes) so we don’t deserve anything. Is this true?  The conditions of this recent bill sound like it is.

His flapper (Re: Gullivers Travels) replied:


Subject: Gas Prices

Dear Mr. Arseneau:

Thank you for contacting Senator McGuire’s office. We certainly understand your frustration about inflation and gas prices – this is so hard on so many Californians. One piece of “good news:” Seasonal gas prices are just about to drop as we move into the winter blend – often there’s a few weeks of spiked prices as stations pump out the last of costlier summer blend. Here’s more info: The Difference Between Summer-Blend and Winter-Blend Gasoline (gasbuddy.com)

Regarding, the middle-class tax refund. Did you file a 2020 tax return? If so, you can estimate your refund here: Middle Class Tax Refund Estimator | FTB.ca.gov. While I understand that you don’t have taxable income, I’m unsure whether or not you will qualify. You can read more here: https://www.ftb.ca.gov/about-ftb/newsroom/middle-class-tax-refund/index.html and call the constituent help line at 800-542-9332, weekdays, 8 am – 5 pm. Overall, the program uses tax returns as a way to issue the refunds expeditiously, and to prevent fraud.

Please be in touch with any further comments or questions! Senator McGuire is working hard on policies and legislation that serve ALL Californians in District 2.


Nora Mounce
District Representative/Communications Coordinator
Senate Majority Leader Mike McGuire

(707) 445-6508

Notice Ms. Mounce’s subject is “Gas Prices.”  But my email had really nothing to do with gas prices. It had  to do with seniors being screwed out of promised money – Seniors on fixed incomes who are  nonetheless paying out of pocket the same as any other Californian.

So she didn’t actually address the subject, but rather danced around it. I’ve already voted for Senator McGuire (I tend to vote my ballot as soon as it arrives in the mail). I can’t take it back.